After a week of looking at the damn thing sitting on my new home office desk (card table in my gear room. Ha!), it occurred to me that I might be able to pull the simm card and get the phone’s number by plugging that into my last smartphone, which I still have. When I pulled the simm card, there was also a micro SD card on the same tray.
I plugged that into my laptop and quickly found a file that was some sort of form that had the owner’s name on it. A little work searching the interwebs and today I handed the phone back to its owner. Well, I left it for him on the hood of my truck so we could keep our six feet when he came to pick it up. So that eventually ended well!